Inner Atlete: Demons

The demons of the mind are conquered through the body. This has been my experience.

I tried, in vain, for decades to use my mind to become the person I wanted to be and to create the life I wanted to life. I actually believe we are all attempting, in any which we can, to BE the person God intended us to be.

The problem was that my demons were demons of the mind – the most powerful one being doubt. This would surprise some who know me and the very reason that it would surprise these people is because I was faking confidence for so long. This created a divide within myself between the person I really was – someone with a well-intentioned heart trying to find my place in this world - and the person I believed I must portray.

This inner doubt created other sister demons of anxiety and sadness. Over time, these demons became permanent housemates of my mind.

Occasionally throughout my adult life, inspiration would hit me and I wanted to clean house of these demons. This happened probably seven to eight times. These “house cleanings” were attempts to finally, once and for all, figure it out (nobody has it figured out) by overcoming what had been holding me back from the life I believed I could live. It was like I had a picture frame of this life in my mind, but I doubted I could walk the bridge leading to it.

I would dive into self-help books and join the gym because the self-help books told me to join the gym. I created vision boards. I sat quietly to think about what childhood events are ruining my adult mind (all I ever came up with are seeing my grandparents wear sandals and long black socks in summer). Oh yea, I would stop drinking beer…except for special occasions…except for Packer games…except for weekends…except for hard days.

You see, I would drink alcohol for the mental reprieve because I was trying to conquer the demons of my mind with my mind. It was putting out a fire with fire. I never realized this until I ended up figuring something out, which changed my life and has become my mission to share.

After my drunk driving accident, I experienced a raging wildfire in my mind. Dying was a wish, a way out was a prayer. My wish was not granted, but my prayer was. I’ll explain.

I used all the tools available to someone who is grappling with a combination of trauma, sadness, and anxiety that makes you only want to wash dishes because that is the only thing you can comfortably do. Not a joke. I travel back to those days after the accident and the only thing that would soothe my mind was dishes. Perhaps it was the running water, the simple act of being able to accomplish something, or using my hands to do something.

I went to intensive outpatient rehab for CBT/DBT therapy, sat on a couch and talked to a professional, read books on faith and ‘manifested’, meditated for seconds on end, wrote in a journal, went to church, went to meetings, did a step study group, did mental gratitude and somersaulted. I recall writing about how I was doing all this activity, but was not really DOING anything. I wasn’t building anything. I wasn’t creating anything (except at my $30k/month rehab, we did crafts). There was nothing physically happening. I now understand why therapists, rehab centers, and recovery meetings never go out of business – they don’t fix the problem, they are in bed with the problem. Rant, not sorry.

Everything was using the mind to “fix” the mind.

It seemed the more I “worked on myself” the more I was running around my own mind with a blow torch. Doubt raged. I already was a weak person and I needed something that was real, attainable, and tangible.

Then I just looked up to the God I thought was supposed to be there during these moments (reminds me of the new song by Jellyroll “God, I need a favor”) and ask “show me the way.” Prayer was answered.

It was not a conscious decision, but something was guiding me to move (if you are spiritual, this would be the Holy Spirit). Yes, move as in exercise and sweat. Movement was like a sprinkler on the mind fire. It was tangible. I was DOING something and saw the sweat dripping.

I started off like anyone who has not been exercising by running/walking a mile or two. Then I would push to three miles. Soon, I was running 3 miles without walking. Nothing fast. This lead to doing some other types of exercising.

I began noticing a slow parallel. As I accomplished more with exercise, I began to doubt just a little bit less. It was very slow changing; like an ocean tide. What started off as a simple tool to put out the fire of the mind for the day, was changing the makeup of my mind. My brain was adapting through neuroplasticity.

Intuitively, I knew there was something to this exercise thing that had nothing to do with getting a beach body. There was wisdom, creativity, confidence, discipline, and, perhaps even, freedom locked away in my body. So, I began to push physical limits to see what might be unlocked.

THIS IS IT MY FRIEND. This is when I discovered it. Up until this point, I was just exercising because it made my days a little better and put out the fire. I released the good neurochemicals and checked the box. But, when I began to dance with my physical limits, whether it be running longer or biking further, I unlocked the real me that was there all these years. (Tears fall as I write this. Yes, I am in the prison computer lab with tears rolling down my cheek.)

Each time I pushed, I stretched my mind to create a new experience and conquered a part of my demon of doubt. I was DOING with my body, not thinking with my mind. This created the conditions for the mind to work the way it was intended to work. It was like the doubt that occupied my mind for so long stepped aside so I could see what was possible.

As I pushed to run mile #12 when I never ran that far, I create a physical endurance that showed up in mental endurance I longed for. When I said I would bike 100 miles, I did it and, because I did it, I created the discipline of the mind. Every new physical feat was matched with a more powerful mental strength.

Sure, the demons never go away, but I know how to fight them and it is not sitting on a couch. In a way, when you use your body to push limits, you are stretching yourself mentally and physically and I believe you are actually fighting for yourself.

Doubt still finds ways to get a seat at the table in my mind. However, I happen to notice this tends to correlate to workouts in which I simply go through the motions instead of pushing beyond normal. Not a coincidence.